Parenting in the Time of Covid-19
As the months continue with parents juggling working from home, income loss, lack of childcare and social isolation, tips for coping and mental health stability are becoming more and more critical.
In my experience of working with families through this time, many people are experiencing waves of panic and inward reconciliation that requires a periodic reset of how we are handling the national situation. There is a huge dissonance between some individuals experiencing it a s a “hoax” or perhaps being in a form of denial, versus the majority who see it as a real threat and concern. This inevitable creates extra self-doubt and worry about what we are (or are not) doing to take care of our kids physical, emotional and mental health.
We are now in a time of needing to stop “waiting for things to get back to normal” and instead to adapt in careful ways to cope with the unknown of when this will be over. We are living through a national (and global) crisis which will ultimately result with our society and culture growing and shifting in significant yet unforeseen ways. The longer we hold onto the idea that we just have to hold on with our grit, wait it out and push though until things get back to normal the unhealthier pressure we place on ourselves and our kids.
So what does this mean for day to day life?
Tweak your routines. Are they still working? Where does it need a refresh? As we move through this pandemic routines will become tired and out of kilter. You will need to replan periodically and hit refresh.
Can you carefully expand your bubble? Finding a few carefully chosen families to get some playtime for your kids and agreeing to all follow the same safety protocols may be something you can now tolerate for risk/benefit. A recent parent I worked with likened this to dating in the 80’s: you want to know each persons “status” and what they are doing to look after themselves! In places where a state or counties are successfully working to flatten the curve or have decrease transmission this may be a good next step.
Differentiate between physical distancing and social distancing. This is a critical reframe. You can be social outdoors, with a physical distance! Meet a friend for coffee, outside, 6 feet apart. A friend recently had a tiny concert in their front yard inviting a few couples over with preset stations where we could sit. We could drive up, walk to our station, sit and chat from 8 feet away and hear some music outdoors on a summer eve. Talk about feeling human again for an evening!
Sometimes when we are struggling as parents it can come down to a few key basics: Are you eating meals at regular intervals?, Do you need to address your sleep deprivation? Did you get some sun and fresh air? These three structured basics can mean the difference between needing to medicate or not (whether it’s via antidepressants or alcohol!). Check in on parenting yourself.
Have each other’s back. When coping with crisis it is easy for parents to begin working in parallel, rather than feeling partnered. Have a “marriage meeting” to discuss what it means to share the mental load. We all know this is often out of balance. One thing that helps is really clear boundaries of who is doing what when for each week. The thought energy it takes to plan a meal at the end of the day is overwhelming after trying to juggle, work, kids and house. On Sunday make the weeks schedule and plan meals and get the grocery delivered, and stop using extra thought energy during the week as to what is happening next. This schedule is your play book for the week so that each parent is getting time with kids, work, household management.
Treat household management as a separate job from childcare when planning work that needs to be done. Things such as washing, dishes, meals, paying bills, car maintenance cannot be lumped in to planning playtime, naps, and learning for kids. However, engaging kids in helping around the house right now is a good short term project with long term gain. Kids ages 4 and up can set and clear the table, feed pets, tidy their bed and rooms, put away toys at end of day, help match socks, etc.
Read (more) books. It is always the right and easy thing to do. Sit and read with your kids. (Have water on hand since you are reading aloud!). Whenever you are at a loss, cuddle up, grab a story and go.
These are only a few items that can support our coping. More soon and feel free to reach out. Stay healthy and safe!